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| Why do some men kill their own children? A retired social worker exposes the roots of filicide—control, masculinity, and systems that fail to protect. |
The Travis Decker Case
The current manhunt for Travis Decker in Washington State is chilling. Reports indicate that his three daughters were found murdered after a scheduled visit. If this was an act of revenge or punishment directed at the mother—or the system—it fits a tragic and familiar pattern. This case must be discussed not just as a crime, but as part of a broader social issue of family court failure, unchecked male violence, and lack of protection for vulnerable children.
It's one of the hardest, most heartbreaking questions a person can ask: How could a parent kill their own children? I've asked myself this question more than once—first as a young mother, then as a domestic abuse outreach worker, and now, in retirement, as someone who still carries the voices of women and children who came through the system, bruised, fearful, but still hoping to be heard.
This isn’t a question with one neat answer. But I believe that by looking at these cases honestly—through a feminist lens, and informed by the lived experience of survivors—we can start to see a pattern in the heartbreak.
The Beliefs That Kill
Many of the fathers who harm—or even kill—their children don’t do so suddenly or “out of the blue.”
These acts of violence often arise from long-standing beliefs about gender, control, and ownership.
These men often believe:
That their partner and children belong to them.
That losing control over “his” family is a humiliation.
That he is entitled to loyalty and obedience—and rage is justified when he doesn’t get it.
In a patriarchal society, where boys are often taught to dominate and win at all costs, the idea of being “left”
or “rejected” by a partner can feel intolerable. In many cases I’ve encountered, men who kill their children
after a separation are not just acting out of grief or mental illness—they’re enacting punishment; a punishment aimed at the mother.
It’s one of the most horrific ways a man can say: If I can’t have them, neither can you.
The Making of a “Family Annihilator”
Men who commit these crimes are sometimes called “family annihilators.” The label is chilling—and accurate. Some common characteristics, noted by experts like Gavin de Becker and researchers like Neil Websdale, include:
History of domestic violence or controlling behavior
Access to guns
Military or gang affiliation
Recent or pending separation or divorce
A belief in traditional gender roles
Financial stress, job loss, or legal trouble
Depression, drug use, or paranoia
Gavin de Becker, in his influential book The Gift of Fear, talks about the warning signs of men who “warn” their partners with language like: You’ll be sorry, You’ll regret this, or I’ll take what matters most to you. When such men also have military experience, gang ties, or a hyper-masculine self-image, the danger increases—especially if they have access to weapons.
According to de Becker, many of these men see their final act as a way to reclaim power and narrative. “He was pushed too far,” the news might say. But we must stop interpreting these acts as outbursts. They are decisions. Calculated, cruel decisions shaped by deeply held beliefs.
Suicide and the Final Act of “Control”
In many of these cases, the father also dies—by suicide, often shortly after killing the children. Statistics from the Violence Policy Center and research cited by the CDC and Canadian studies show that about 25% to 30% of family annihilators end their own lives. Others go into hiding—often into the bush, the mountains, or other remote areas—before being found days or weeks later, already dead.
This isn’t remorse—it’s control to the bitter end. For some, it’s also shaped by apocalyptic or religious thinking, where the father believes he is "saving" his family from further harm by taking them with him. Jackson Katz, in his work on masculinity and violence (The Macho Paradox), notes that men raised in rigid gender systems often feel that failure in relationships or finances strips them of their identity as men. They equate loss with annihilation—and then act it out on the people they supposedly love.
Children as Pawns
The saddest part? The children are never the true targets—they are the leverage. The emotional currency used to get even. I remember a mother telling me that the most terrifying part of the court-ordered visitation wasn’t for herself—it was watching her child walk out the door into the arms of a man who had threatened her life.
When fathers weaponize their own children, it shows just how distorted and dangerous entitlement can become. Many of these men are not “mad” or “snapped”—they are angry. And anger, when combined with a belief in one's masculine superiority and a culture that still excuses male violence, is a deadly force.
The Role of Depression, Addiction, and Religious Fanaticism
Certainly, mental health plays a role in some filicides. Depression, especially when mixed with drug abuse or religious delusion, can skew a parent’s sense of reality. A few cases involve what researchers call altruistic filicide—where the parent (usually a mother) believes she is saving the child from a doomed world.
But this is far less common than revenge-based killings committed by fathers. In these situations, men often use religious language to justify punishment, claiming divine right or destiny. Others numb themselves with drugs or alcohol, amplifying paranoia and rage.
What We Can Do
We need to name this for what it is: a crisis of male entitlement and unchecked power. Feminism has been sounding the alarm for decades, warning that the cost of toxic masculinity is often paid in women’s and children’s lives. We need:
Courts to take DV allegations seriously in custody cases
Laws that prioritize safety, not just parental rights
Mental health systems that intervene earlier and more effectively
Stronger community education for boys and men around gender and empathy
Media coverage that doesn’t excuse killers as “good dads who snapped”
And we need to stop asking Why didn’t she leave? and start asking Why was he allowed to stay?—in her life, in the home, and often, in control of the children.
Love, Learn and LIVE
As a retired social worker, I carry the stories of many brave women and children who survived. But I also carry the ghosts of those who didn’t. We must continue to shine light into this darkness—not to sensationalize it, but to prevent it.
Because every time a man kills his children to get back at their mother, it is not just a private tragedy—it’s a public warning. And we all have a role in responding.
References
Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear (1997)
Jackson Katz, The Macho Paradox (2006)
Neil Websdale, Familicidal Hearts: The Emotional Styles of 211 Killers (2013)
Violence Policy Center: "When Men Murder Women" Reports
Journal of Family Violence (various)
Canadian Femicide Observatory for Justice and Accountability
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Editorial assistance was received from AI for writing this article. Approved by the author.
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