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| 10 gentle, Adlerian-inspired ways parents and grandparents can teach empathy and compassion to young children through everyday connections |
A Heart Lesson for Life
As parents and grandparents, one of the greatest gifts we can offer children is the ability to feel with others — to care and to act kindly. Compassion and empathy grow not from lectures but from connection, respect, and modelling.
This post shares ten practical, Adlerian-inspired ways to nurture empathy and compassion in small children — plus a few ideas for grandparents with older grandkids.
What Is Adlerian Psychology?
Adlerian (or Individual) Psychology, founded by Alfred Adler (1870–1937), views people as social beings whose deepest drive is to belong and to contribute.
Rather than asking “What’s wrong with this child?” Adlerians ask, “What need for belonging or significance is the child trying to meet?”
Encouragement replaces punishment. Contribution replaces control. The goal is to help each child develop social interest — a genuine concern for the well-being of others.
10 Gentle Ways to Teach Empathy and Compassion
1. Model Empathy Yourself
Children learn by imitation. Let them see you offering comfort, listening, and helping others. “Grandpa looks tired; let’s bring him a glass of water.” Every small act becomes a living lesson.
2. Talk About Feelings
Name emotions as they arise: “You look disappointed the park is closed.” Ask gentle questions: “How do you think your friend feels?” This builds emotional vocabulary and perspective-taking.
3. Invite Children to Contribute
Adlerians teach that belonging grows through contribution. Let toddlers help stir pancake batter, water plants, or set the table — then thank them for their help to the family.
4. Create Helping Rituals
Build “kindness habits”: ask, “Who might need a hug today?” or “Shall we draw a card for Auntie who’s not feeling well?” These rituals turn compassion into a family tradition.
5. Use Story Time to Explore Caring
Choose picture books where characters show empathy. Pause and ask, “How does the bunny feel?” “What could help him?” Stories let children safely practice caring responses.
6. Encourage, Don’t Merely Praise
Notice kind behaviour: “You wanted to help your sister — that was thoughtful.” Encouragement focuses on the child’s intent and effort, not just the result, strengthening intrinsic motivation.
7. Turn Mistakes into Learning Moments
When a child acts unkindly, guide reflection: “When you grabbed the toy, your friend felt sad. What can you do to make it right?” This approach teaches responsibility without shame.
8. Share Gratitude at Day’s End
At bedtime or mealtime, ask, “Who did something kind today?” or “Who helped you?” Gratitude sharpens awareness of others’ efforts and nurtures a compassionate mindset.
9. Ask Perspective Questions
“What might Grandma feel when we can’t visit?” “How could we help her feel included?” Such questions train empathy’s central skill — imagining another person’s experience.
10. Link Self-Care to Caring for Others
When comforting your child, connect the experience: “You felt better when I hugged you — your friend might feel better if you hug him too.” This bridges self-empathy and other-empathy.
What Empathy Looks Like in a Three- or Four-Year-Old
Scenario 1: A preschooler knocks over a sibling’s blocks. Parent kneels and says, “Your sister looks sad. What could we do?” Child suggests, “Help fix it!” and joins in rebuilding.
Scenario 2: During snack time, the parent asks, “Would you like to share an apple slice with your cousin?” The child smiles and says, “Here you go!” A simple yet profound act of caring.
When Grandparents Join the Circle
Grandparents have a special power to reinforce compassion through stories, shared projects, and calm presence.
Bake & Share Kindness: Make extra muffins to deliver to a neighbour who lives alone. Ask, “How do you think she’ll feel when we bring these?”
Start a Kindness Journal: Each week, write or draw one kind act the grandchild did and one they noticed. Talk about how it felt to give and receive kindness.
These shared moments weave empathy through generations — the true family legacy.
Recommended Reading
Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline – A classic Adlerian guide to raising respectful, cooperative, compassionate children.
Rudolf Dreikurs & Vicki Soltz, Children: The Challenge – Insightful Adlerian wisdom on understanding behaviour as belonging-seeking.
A Favourite Quote
“Distorted history boasts of bellicose glory... and seduces the souls of boys to seek mystical bliss in bloodshed and in battles.” —Alfred Adler
A Closing Thought
Empathy is the heartbeat of community. It begins in the family circle — when children feel seen, valued, and encouraged to care. Every gentle act you model or invite becomes a seed of compassion that will blossom far beyond your home. 🌱
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🥤 Article and photos © 2026 Cynthia Zirkwitz | Organic Granny
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Is empathy taught? I am the persuasion that it is caught and/or is a natural tendancy. When I say "caught" I mean it is a behaviour that can be picked up within a family setting. If at least ine oarentbor guardian is empathetic and the child is a recipient of that empathy or observes the parent being empatheic to others, they can learn that way.
ReplyDeleteMy apologies for the typos. I couldn't see a way to edit my comment.
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ReplyDeleteExcellent question, Marilyn. I believe that empathy is a very nuanced skill with emotional and cognitive features, as well as the "felt" and inborn tendancies that you mention. Yes, we do pick it up when we are sensitive as children, its lack and its abundance, and probably normalize and carry on with whatever is the dominant tone. But brain science also shows that empathy shows up in the brain, and that empathy can be increased (through teaching and learning) to enhance what small amount might have been in operation prior to the teaching. As a social work student I was taught the skills needed to recognize and relate to an often complex feeling tangle that our counseling/therapy clients would express (or suppress, and how that would show up). We were taught empathy as a necessary enhancement to our professional development. In the same way, children and adults can learn (be taught) to recognize a wider range of feelings and needs in their interactions with family members, etc. and how to build the respectful and trusting relationships that empathy looks to engage. Adlerian (individual) psychology is particularly focused on educating parents to learn to take advantage of their positions to teach children whatever they need to learn to be mutually respectful, positively contributing, members of a family and functional in a similar way within society.
ReplyDeleteThis is sweet, I love how you added a psychology term to this. Another thing I feel like would be a great add-on to this article would be emphasizing the "5 love languages", as each different individuals all have different ways of expressing their appreciate of their loved ones. But I think the act of giving or receiving gifts is one of the greatest actions for showing appreciation and also making the other party feel appreciated. One thing I've learned is that it's the action of giving that matters way more than receiving.
ReplyDeleteThanks Alyza-- and yes, the Love Languages require empathy to enact with sensitivity to what the other party needs to feel loved, don't they? I sure will do a small take on that. Thanks for the suggestion! How did you learn about the Love Languages?
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